A Narrative of Discovery--How I Began to Blog
RESERVATIONS [written on vacation some time between July 13-19 2006]
One year we failed to reserve a motel room, expecting to get one with no difficulty when we arrived at our destination. We failed to take several things into account--that it was a Friday, that there would be miles of road work which led to a number of detours, which meant we'd get to the town late that night, which cut our lodging options to one. I will spare additional details of that night and the following morning.
This is a common use of the word RESERVATIONS.
Perhaps the word is less used for NOT wanting to go somewhere or do something. That is the flip side.
Recent reflections have made me see
How often I have angled to avoid responsibility
I know I could have had
But reservations made me sad
So I've held back from being all I could be, doing all I could,
Refusing to try lest I fail prevents success too.
Another crumb of "wry" bread
Reservations--perhaps hurt only created the appearance of thick skin but not true such.
Perhaps ability to pretend to not be both.
Perhaps ability to pretend to not be bothered by taunts and teases kept me from really learning how to deal with, to respond to such things.
Perhaps I ought not to be so introspective so long after the events I'm thinking about.
Perhaps I need to be, to face, to deal.
Perhaps, or not.
Perhaps or not perhaps--that is the question.
Reflections after a women's conference [July 22 2006]
Tears seemed imminent initially.
Emotions is a blender this morning.
Feeling alone along with 500+ women around me.
Feeling as if on one side of those mirrors through which one can see yet remain unseen, observe while out of sight, watch while unnoticed.
Unable to connect even when talking with women I am somewhat acquainted with; could not open up to/with any one even as the day went on and I ran into more; reserved myself into pain.
The Value of a To-Do List [or not] [also July 22 2006]
The value of a to-do list is in its usefullyness
For measuring accomplishments and goals.
But, what is the measure of a goal?
Who is the setter of such?
The value of a to-do list is in making sure
What I want to do gets done.
But, who am I to set this "What I want to do"?
Temporary, transient, as the paper it is written on.
The value of a to-do list is only in those on
God's for me.
There--and if I focus on those
Eternal, significant, honoring Him--from the paper He had written on--
There is the value from those goals He set, commands He crafted.
COMPASSION [23 July 2006]
Definition: Sympathetic consciousness of other's distress together with a desire to alleviate it.
My compassion is, has been,
Covering a caustic, challenging
Real me,
Cloak now in tatters
[New comparison]
Glass shattered
Composure unmasked
Shelter asked
[2]
How much pride have I taken in
Unshed tears,
Smiles covering clenched teeth,
Neither seeking nor surrendering mercy,
Being, rather, strengthened by
My weaknesses,
Now resisting, now embracing
Trials,
As if they were a form of exercise
Rather than
God's doing
Intending rather
To make me more Christ-like?
How much pride have I taken in
Being the strong one?
How much pride have I taken in
Not being known for being weak?
[3]
Struggling for light
In the heat
Reality and Repentance [26 July 2006]
Reality is .... which requires, repentance.
Reality is that around 40 years ago [really] I began a pattern of side-stepping ministry opportunities because I felt that to put myself forward, even when asked to, to undertake them, even successfully [however you define success] would feed the monster of pride in me. As it turned out, that "humility" fed the monster anyway.
Now, as I reread things I have written in that same 40 year period, I see that which I have written I have not shared widely.
Now, as I prepare to potentially start a "blog" of sorts, now I face that same dilemma: Do I do this, and if so, why?
Realization [also 26-27 July 2006]
Perhaps the "me" which I so diligently said "no" to much of those 40 years was not "me" but the Spirit of God prompting and so some of my "no"s were, rather, to Him, and I have unwittingly but as firmly as if I had intended to, quenched to Spirit--which would explain a lot, and requires a lot of repenting, reconciling, etc. [whatever "etc." means to Him, not me any longer].
Perhaps, then, the idea of going forward with this "blog" and other writing options would be His will not just "my" idea, and will bless others after all.
This possibility frees me to see things differently and, seeing, rejoice, and get on with whatever, rather than sitting in self-imposed exile or muteness.
If this is His prompting then it is His will and will accomplish His will.
Wow.
"Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven" with joy, with immediacy, with the sole goal of pleasing You--Amen.
RESERVATIONS [written on vacation some time between July 13-19 2006]
One year we failed to reserve a motel room, expecting to get one with no difficulty when we arrived at our destination. We failed to take several things into account--that it was a Friday, that there would be miles of road work which led to a number of detours, which meant we'd get to the town late that night, which cut our lodging options to one. I will spare additional details of that night and the following morning.
This is a common use of the word RESERVATIONS.
Perhaps the word is less used for NOT wanting to go somewhere or do something. That is the flip side.
Recent reflections have made me see
How often I have angled to avoid responsibility
I know I could have had
But reservations made me sad
So I've held back from being all I could be, doing all I could,
Refusing to try lest I fail prevents success too.
Another crumb of "wry" bread
Reservations--perhaps hurt only created the appearance of thick skin but not true such.
Perhaps ability to pretend to not be both.
Perhaps ability to pretend to not be bothered by taunts and teases kept me from really learning how to deal with, to respond to such things.
Perhaps I ought not to be so introspective so long after the events I'm thinking about.
Perhaps I need to be, to face, to deal.
Perhaps, or not.
Perhaps or not perhaps--that is the question.
Reflections after a women's conference [July 22 2006]
Tears seemed imminent initially.
Emotions is a blender this morning.
Feeling alone along with 500+ women around me.
Feeling as if on one side of those mirrors through which one can see yet remain unseen, observe while out of sight, watch while unnoticed.
Unable to connect even when talking with women I am somewhat acquainted with; could not open up to/with any one even as the day went on and I ran into more; reserved myself into pain.
The Value of a To-Do List [or not] [also July 22 2006]
The value of a to-do list is in its usefullyness
For measuring accomplishments and goals.
But, what is the measure of a goal?
Who is the setter of such?
The value of a to-do list is in making sure
What I want to do gets done.
But, who am I to set this "What I want to do"?
Temporary, transient, as the paper it is written on.
The value of a to-do list is only in those on
God's for me.
There--and if I focus on those
Eternal, significant, honoring Him--from the paper He had written on--
There is the value from those goals He set, commands He crafted.
COMPASSION [23 July 2006]
Definition: Sympathetic consciousness of other's distress together with a desire to alleviate it.
My compassion is, has been,
Covering a caustic, challenging
Real me,
Cloak now in tatters
[New comparison]
Glass shattered
Composure unmasked
Shelter asked
[2]
How much pride have I taken in
Unshed tears,
Smiles covering clenched teeth,
Neither seeking nor surrendering mercy,
Being, rather, strengthened by
My weaknesses,
Now resisting, now embracing
Trials,
As if they were a form of exercise
Rather than
God's doing
Intending rather
To make me more Christ-like?
How much pride have I taken in
Being the strong one?
How much pride have I taken in
Not being known for being weak?
[3]
Struggling for light
In the heat
Reality and Repentance [26 July 2006]
Reality is .... which requires, repentance.
Reality is that around 40 years ago [really] I began a pattern of side-stepping ministry opportunities because I felt that to put myself forward, even when asked to, to undertake them, even successfully [however you define success] would feed the monster of pride in me. As it turned out, that "humility" fed the monster anyway.
Now, as I reread things I have written in that same 40 year period, I see that which I have written I have not shared widely.
Now, as I prepare to potentially start a "blog" of sorts, now I face that same dilemma: Do I do this, and if so, why?
Realization [also 26-27 July 2006]
Perhaps the "me" which I so diligently said "no" to much of those 40 years was not "me" but the Spirit of God prompting and so some of my "no"s were, rather, to Him, and I have unwittingly but as firmly as if I had intended to, quenched to Spirit--which would explain a lot, and requires a lot of repenting, reconciling, etc. [whatever "etc." means to Him, not me any longer].
Perhaps, then, the idea of going forward with this "blog" and other writing options would be His will not just "my" idea, and will bless others after all.
This possibility frees me to see things differently and, seeing, rejoice, and get on with whatever, rather than sitting in self-imposed exile or muteness.
If this is His prompting then it is His will and will accomplish His will.
Wow.
"Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven" with joy, with immediacy, with the sole goal of pleasing You--Amen.
Labels: A Narrative of Discovery
posted by Ebeth | 9:21 AM
2 Comments:
Your blog is a blessing to me, as is your friendship.
I found myself going to my computer this morning to read your Tuesday's slice of Bread. I forgot it would have been 5:00 AM your time, so I will check later. I read your "Reflections After a Women's Conference" this morning. It made me wish we had been there together. I felt that way sooooooo many times...
You are a blessing to me!
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